She's Better Than Porn
by barndoorstinson
Summary: What happens when a player meets another of his kind?
1. Chapter 1

"Hey guys? Anybody else think Barney's acting a little..." Ted Mosby cast a glance behind him at the man in question, who was currently accosting a busty redhead at the bar, his hand resting on the small of her back as he whispered empty promises into her ear. "...Weird?"

The rest of the group – namely Lily, Robin and Marshall – regarded Ted with a questioning look.

"Looks like regular Barney to me." Lily was the first to speak out of the three of them.

"That'll be the third girl he's left with tonight, and he hasn't come over once to brag about it."

"...You're right, that is weird."

They all watched as the redhead grabbed her coat and left with Barney, his hand still firmly in place on her lower back. He didn't even glance back at them and give his customary wink as he left.

"See!" Ted gestured towards the now-closing door as he spoke.

"Okay, okay, you've convinced us. But what're we gonna do? I mean, it's Barney. He's not exactly gonna listen to us..." Robin trailed off as everyone's gazes settled on her. "Oh no, I'm not-"

"He'll listen to you, Robin. We all know he's still in love with you."

"...I'm sure he's not..." She was only denying it because she still had feelings for him in return, and it wouldn't do for the group to find out about _that_. "...Fine, but only because this Barney is weirding me out."

She made to get to her feet, but stopped as she saw Barney re-enter the bar. He headed straight over to them and sat himself down, just as though nothing had happened. Robin sat herself down also, just kind of staring at Barney until he looked up at her. "...What?"

"What the hell has been going on with you?" Ted interjected before Robin could get a word in. "You've been in here at least five times today and you haven't come over to even talk about boobs once."

"Y'know, guys, I'm sure there's a pretty simple explanation here."

"I was going for a perfect week, but in a day. You guys would just mess it up with your bad vibes and Lily jinxing it by saying: 'Oh, perfect day, blah blah blah'. Seven girls in one day, and I was so close...But that last girl ventured in the Shelly Gillespie zone so I had to ditch."

"Well, you could always pretend she didn't exist? Check out the hot brunette that just walked in."

Barney turned eagerly in his seat, his eyes trailing from her bare feet, up her svelte legs to her ass, and finally up to her breasts. "...Dude, she's so stacked!" He took note of the heels she was clutching onto, which she'd obviously removed just as she came in as her feet weren't dirty. Then he scanned her face and _that _was when he noticed a few tell-tale signs. The redness around her eyes and nose that suggested she'd been crying. The hair hastily tucked behind one ear so as to get it off her face. He turned back to the group, with a mixture of incredulity and the look he usually got when he definitely knew he was getting laid. "She just got dumped. I'm _so_ in!"

He grabbed Ted's drink and downed it, ignoring the noises of protest the other man made, before getting to his feet, brushing off his suit, and then headed back over to the bar. "Hey, are...Are you okay?"

The brunette turned her head to look at him, her green eyes shimmering with fresh tears and she sniffled daintily. "No...Not really." She had a defined English accent, which stuck out like a sore thumb in the New Yorker bar. "I just found my boyfriend in bed with my sister." By that point, her tears had started flowing, and Barney hastened to slide an arm around her shoulders.

"Now come on, there's no need to cry. I'm sure your sister is totally not as hot as you."

"...You think I'm hot?" She smiled faintly, only barely revealing a set of professionally-whitened teeth. "Because...You're not too bad yourself..."

"Listen this may sound a little...Off the bat, but do you wanna come back to my place? I've got a pint of ice cream that's just going to waste, and you sound like you could use it."

She nodded a little, the hair that was tucked behind her ear now falling back into its usual place. "Yeah, that sounds nice. Let me just..." She bent double a little so she could somehow try to manoeuvre her heels back onto her feet.

Barney headed back over to the gang, who had obviously been watching the whole thing. "And the streak continues." He grinned, raising his hand for a high five. No-one reciprocated. "You're all sucky bros. She's a British chick too. I bet she's gonna be dirty." He winked, clicking his tongue as he did so. "Later, losers." He caught up with the brunette and left the bar with her.

Robin just watched, trying not to convey the jealousy she was feeling at that moment in time. She was glad when nobody picked up on it.

* * *

"Wow, Barney...Your place is amazing...Holy Christ, is that a Stormtrooper!" The brunette moved over to the life-sized memorabilia and stared appreciatively at it. "That is just..." She cut herself off as Barney slid his arms around her from behind. "...What're you...?" His lips pressed softly against her neck, eliciting a small moan from her before she quickly moved out of his arms and turned to face him. "Barney, I'm sorry. I can't do this...I'm playing you." She watched as Barney raised an eyebrow. "I didn't catch my boyfriend in bed with my sister, I...Look, you seem like a really nice guy and I don't think I could just have meaningless sex and then just leave."

"...Oh. Oh, okay..." Barney moved to sit on his sofa, his having shoulders visibly slumped by a considerable amount. "I thought...I thought just once I'd met a girl who wasn't just out for sex and now I..." His voice cracked before he could finish his sentence and he placed his head in his hands, kneading his eyes with the heel.

"Oh man..." The guilt had struck now. She accompanied him on the sofa and placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Come on, you weren't supposed to cry...I feel bad now." She paused. "...But you did invite me back to your place. It kind of put the wrong idea across..."

"This was totally innocent! I ha-had no intention of..." But he didn't finish his sentence, because by that point he was full-on crying. She brought her legs up on the sofa so she was sat cross-legged and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a somewhat awkward hug.

"Please stop crying..."

"I th-thought you liked me, C-Callie..."

"...Callie's not my real name."

"It just gets worse!" He got to his feet suddenly, one hand still massaging his temples roughly as he tried to subdue his tears. It wasn't working.

"My name's Caitlind. Or, Cait for short, preferably." She had stayed sitting on the sofa but Barney glanced back at her, red-eyed yet apparently interested. "I'm sorry I lied. I am...Is this helping at all?"

"A little..." He moved to sit back down next to her. "...Tell me more about you."

"Okay. If it'll make you feel better...I was born in Kilkenny, Ireland, but moved to the east of England when I was around five...Pretty close to the sea. I like a good drink every now and again. Um...Christ, why is it so hard to think of things?"

"It's okay, I'm listening...You're really interesting." He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, using that abstract movement to get a little closer to her.

"...Thanks. I don't...Really know what else to say..." She glanced away from him for a moment before looking back, though this time she looked straight into his eyes. "Whoa, your eyes...They're so blue...Fuck me..."

"Well, if you insist." And then Barney leaned forwards and pushed his lips against hers. Her eyes widened. This was totally not the same Barney who'd just been crying on her shoulder not moments before. But by God, he knew what he was doing; and she should know, she'd been with plenty of guys...Did that make her slut? _'Whoa, calm down girl, you've got a hot guy sucking face with you. Someone who knows how to kiss a girl, for once. Kiss him back, damnit!'_ She placed her hands on the side of his face and melted into the kiss, uncrossing her legs so that she could wrap one around him.

He ran a hand deftly up her thigh and let it come to rest on her hip, his fingers toying with her waistband so they could idly touch the cool skin underneath. His other hand easily undone the buttons on her blouse, before it slipped inside to gently caress one of her breasts. She arched her back off the sofa a little to allow her blouse to slip down onto her arms. She pulled it off and let it drop to the floor.

Taking hold of his tie, she used it as a leverage to pull him on top of him more. His suit jacket had been discarded as soon as they had entered the apartment, so she set to work untucking his shirt from his pants. While she was busy doing that, he had already unzipped her skirt and was somehow sidling down past her hips and off of her completely.

"So you've...Changed your...Tune." She managed to get out through the kisses. She broke it for a moment so she could talk to him properly. "You were crying not too long ago."

"Funny story, actually. You remember that spiel you told me about you playing me? Well," he let out a small laugh, "I was doing the same thing." He leaned in to kiss her again but she pulled back.

"...What?"

"We were both doing the same thing, how weird is that?" He moved in for another kiss but she pushed him off this time and got to her feet.

"You pig!" She picked up her skirt and stepped into it, before wiggling slightly so she could get it back up her body.

Barney watched the rhythmic motion of her hips before he snapped out of it and stood up also. "Come on, baby, don't be like this." He placed a hand on her bare arm but she pushed him away with a sharp slap to his chest.

"Don't you dare touch me!" She zipped up her skirt then bent down to pick up her blouse. Once again, Barney was somewhat hypnotised by her ass as she bent over. Only she caught him this time and slapped him roughly around the face instead. She hastily buttoned up her blouse, having not a care in the world for the fact that her hair was tousled to hell. "Don't you ever come anywhere near me again." She snarled, before leaving his apartment. He went to go after her but the door slammed in his face just as he got there.

"Jeez, women are touchy."


	2. Chapter 2

"Cait, don't worry about him. He's just a dick..."

"I came clean! And he still carried on his little charade! It's fucking low, Callie...But God, did he know how to use that pretty, pretty mouth of his..."

"Hey!" Callie Douglas snapped her fingers in front of her best friend's face, in order to snap her out of the little trance she'd been slipping into. "Girl, you need to forget that asshole, else you're just gonna dwell on it and depress yourself. That's what happened the last time you let yourself get hung up over 'The one that got away'. He was only supposed to be a one-nighter, okay?"

"Okay, I got it...Thanks, Cal. Now...I promised you a blind date, right? ...Well I forgot to set something up. But! But...That guy over there," she directed Callie's gaze over to one of the various booths in MacLaren's Bar, "is pretty damn cute. So drink up, and get going."

Ted Mosby was drinking alone when Callie joined him in his booth. He'd been waiting for his friends to arrive - he'd gotten to the bar early, considering he only lived upstairs - so her arrival was totally unexpected. It was lucky for Caitlind that she chose that time to duck into the women's toilets, because Ted's friends had just entered the bar; Barney included.

"Guys, guys! Ted's got a girl at his table." Lily Aldrin jumped up and down excitedly, her vigour only being matched by her husband Marshall.

"Oh my God, he's finally coming out of his sexless stage!"

"Pssh, please. There's no way she's putting out tonight," came Barney's cynical voice.

"What? Why not?"

"Just look at what she's wearing. Jeans, a turtleneck sweater, hair down and framing her face...She's got her guards up. Ted's not getting any."

"Y'know, you've been in a bad mood since last night. What in the hell happened with that girl you took home?" But Lily wasn't going to get an answer from Barney, as he turned and bolted straight back out of the door they had just come in through. "What the...?"

"Hey Lil, look. That's Barney's mystery girl now coming out of the bathroom. We could always ask her?"

Apparently Lily already had that in mind as soon as Marshall had pointed the oblivious girl out, because she'd marched straight over to her, sitting herself down in Ted's booth and pulling Caitlind in with her.

"Hey!" Ted protected. "I'm kinda busy here!"

"Oh please, Callie's not putting out tonight."

"You two know each other!"

"Unfortunately."

"Hey!" Callie frowned.

"Kidding."

"Okay, enough of this! What the hell happened with you and Barney last night?" Lily cut in. "And spare no details."

Once Caitlind has relayed every little piece of info that she could about the previous night, most of the gang sat there in a stunned silence. Lily was the first to speak. "Whoa, that's pretty low, even for Barney..."

"Right! I knew I wasn't freaking out over nothing...Though I've been talking to some people and they said he does stuff like this to most of the girls he sleeps with."

"Well yeah, but they're not usually running their own lie..."

She groaned and let her head fall onto the table in front of her, her dark hair being the only part of her head visible. "Why am I letting this affect me?" She asked no-one in particular in a somewhat muffled voice.

"You're just so sensitive." Callie reached across the table and patted the top of Caitlind's head softly. Her hand was batted away, complete with a resounding 'arsehole' from the moping brunette.

"If it helps any, Barney's game has been off. He's already struck out with all the girls he's hit on and the last I saw of him, he turned tail and ran as soon as he saw you."

"...That does help a little..." Caitlind sat herself up now, her slumped posture now somewhat more upright. "At least he's not getting any. Like Ted."

"Hey!"

"I like you already." Lily grinned.

"We have to do something about Barney. We can't have him running away all the time."

"Well you guys can do that. I'm going home." Caitlind rose to her feet. "Cal, you staying here with Ted?" She got a nod. "Awesome. See you all later then." Once she made sure she had her bag, she left MacLaren's.

A cold wind bit at her as she exited the bar, so she pulled her coat and scarf a little tighter around her. The cold, however, didn't stop her from deciding to walk the few blocks that would take her back to her apartment.

Her route took her past Barney's apartment block and naturally, she stopped to take a quick look. She spotted him at his window - it was lucky she had good eyesight, else she never would've known it was him - and he was apparently changing suits. Even from her street-level position she could see that he kept himself fit. When she'd frequented his apartment the night before, she'd mostly been the one to shed her clothes, so she hadn't had much of a chance to get a look at his body.

But from what she could see now, he was an Adonis.

His stomach looked flat but it was obvious that he was toned, not just thin. She could just imagine him working out in the gym, the sweat slowly rolling down his back. Oh God, she was getting inappropriate thoughts way too often since she'd met Barney Stinson. Since the night before - she'd sat in her apartment moping through most of the day, only leaving that night to drink with Callie - she'd had twenty-seven inappropriate thoughts about Barney. It was getting bad; yet very, _very _good at the same time.

In her distracted state of mind, she turned left down a dark alleyway, instead of right so she could cross the road. She didn't quite realise until she reached the end of the alleyway and almost collided with a brick wall. "Shit." She turned, prepared to walk back down the alleyway, when she spotted someone standing in the way of the entrance. The imposing figure began to walk towards her, leaving her trapped between him and the brick wall behind her. "Oh, God..." This was not going to end well.

A little later on that night, Barney's door was graced with a timid knock. Had he not been near the door at the time, he wouldn't even have heard it. With a raised eyebrow, he pulled open the door to see Caitlind stood there. He immediately took a step back.

"I don't want any trouble, if that's what you've come here for. I've got a girl here, two girls, they know Karate!"

"Can I stay here?"

"I...What?"

"I just...I..." And then she broke down, slumping down to her knees, shaking violently. The sobs rocked her body, and Barney was quick to move beside her and slide his arms around her, trying to hold her still. In that one moment, he forgot all about the 'womanizer' reputation he was supposed to be uphold and he forgot that women were supposed to be just sex objects to him. He'd never, with all the women he'd met and screwed over, seen one in this much of a state before.

"Whoa, whoa...What happened to you?"

"I-I...I g-got..." She gulped down air in the form of deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. And in a quiet voice, she continued. "...I got raped."


End file.
